Motherhood: Part 3 - Summary (part 1)

A round-up to the present day.

The day Lily was released from Special Care to stay with me in the ward was the day Oxford had an earthquake! I remember drifting off and I noticed that the television bolted to the wall was swaying, and the bed was shaking. I thought I was having a funny turn and just went to sleep, only to wake up in the morning to be told that it was an earthquake. I wondered if it was a bad omen suggesting I was going to have a shaky entry into motherhood.

The day Lily was discharged from hospital I was warned that she would have some developmental delay because of the extent of her brain damage, but they couldn't tell me what she would or would not be able to do. I just wanted her home. I do not have to vocabulary to explain how much I hate hospitals, although it was most likely the only place I could get away with my hygiene OCD.

Lily was a well behaved newborn. She fed well, for the first month she had her last feed at 11pm, woke up at 4am for a feed, then up at 8 for breakfast. At 5 weeks she slept through the night.
She had no noticeable problems apart from colic, but I couldn't complain. The health visitor noticed that she was lacking muscle tone, and that she was severely floppy. I HATED the health visitor. It felt like I was always being watched, was always being asked questions like I was expected to fuck something up.

The truth was that I was sitting on a massive problem, and was lying through my teeth to everyone.

By 8 weeks old, I still hadn't bonded with Lily. I didn't even feel like a mum. I had my duty to make sure Lily was kept healthy and happy, and that was it. I would watch other mums, and I could see the love in their eyes for their children. It made me sick. What was wrong with me?

I'm not going into details about the relationship with Lily's Dad, but that broke down during the end of the pregnancy.

I felt completely alone, I was caring for a baby I couldn't bond with, and I had no idea what kind of future she would have.

The health visitor gave me a questionnaire to fill out asking me "How I was feeling." It was an obvious attempt to try to detect any symptoms of postnatal depression. In complete fear of having Lily taken away from me, I lied and said everything was peachy.

I started finding it difficult to get up in the morning. I didn't want to wake up, I didn't want to eat, I didn't even want to leave the house in case people started asking me about Lily, and how she still couldn't hold her head up by herself at 4 months old. I'd have to say, "I don't know why". I felt like everything was my fault, and I was ashamed of myself. I couldn't even birth a child without extensive medical intervention.

At 6 months old, a physiotherapist was called in to help Lily with her physical problems. She was finally able to sit up at 10 months old. (In contrast, Leah walked at 10 months old!)

So time went by, and we plodded along.

More issues with Lily's development arose as she got older. By 2 years old, Lily still couldn't walk. She couldn't even stand up or crawl. She would have physio every fortnight.
Lily's speech was very limited. By 2 years old she would only mutter a few words, so a speech therapist saw her every 2 weeks.

Leah arrived when Lily was just over 2.
I felt really guilty when Leah came along. I had such a strong bond with Leah from the moment she was born. Leah ate well, slept through the night at 8 weeks old, never had colic, and was generally an early developer. I could feel my chest ache out of pride when Leah would walk up to me and steal my sandwich.

As a result of the guilt, I spent more time with Lily than I did with Leah to try and compensate.
We did lots of speech exercises together, which she enjoyed, and physio exercises which she despised, but I had to play doctor and push her as hard as she would let me.

The turning point in our relationship came when Lily was 2 1/4 and had to have an MRI scan on her brain under general anaesthetic. The doctors needed to see how much damage to her brain was present and if it could be attributing to her speech delay.

I walked her into the anaesthetist's room feeling very little fear. Maybe I was putting on a brave face? I was annoyed at myself that I could fear such an everyday procedure.

I held Lily as she was put to sleep. One second she was awake and stiff. The next second she was heavy and limp, with her eyes half open, and I put her onto the bed. The last 2 years flashed before my eyes to the moment of her birth where she was heavy, limp, and her eyes were open. I couldn't hold it in any longer.
I burst into tears as I tried to leave the room as fast as I could. It wasn't that I didn't love her, I did. I just didn't want to admit I did. I feared for her future every day. I thought if I could distance myself from her, then it wouldn't hurt as much.
That day I admitted I loved her. As Lily was wheeled into the ward still fast asleep, I looked at her innocent face and hoped she knew I loved her.

The results of the MRI was a miracle. Lily's brain had completely regenerated.

... more to come!

Motherhood: Part 2 - Leah

As some of you may not realise, Lily isn't Paul's daughter. They met each other when Lily was 11 months old.

For anybody with fertility issues, getting involved in a new relationship can be a little awkward when the subject turns to the future. I had to let Paul know my experience with Lily very early on into our relationship in case he decided to.. let's just say - leg it.

I have two older half brothers, and one younger half brother, but grew up as an only child. The age gaps between myself and my siblings range from 14 years to 9 years, so I never knew what it was like to "grow" up with them. I wanted different for Lily.

Paul and I decided fairly quickly that we wanted to have a child. Deep down, I didn't think that I'd be able to conceive another child and carry it to full term. I didn't think I'd conceive, so I didn't even think about what could happen during labour!

First cycle. WOAH NELLY!

Well that was easy.

It turns out that in a lot of cases of Endometriosis, pregnancy can "blow out the cobwebs" as such. Well thanks for the warning docs!

The pregnancy went well, apart from the SPD returning, and passing out in Morrisons.

This baby was here to stay. The fear set in quite quickly as the midwives kept asking me if I'd had made a birth plan. I simply refused to write a birth plan, I didn't see the point, I felt like it would only lead to disappointment.
This birth was NOT going to be like the first. I kept on telling myself that it just could not happen. No way. Never. I wasn't going to let it happen. It was going to be natural, I would have no pain relief, and nobody was going to die.

3 days 'till my due date, I thought I'd get off my large bottom and have a long walk. It was painful just moving from one side of the room to the other, but as I knew very well, movement would bring the baby's head into position ready for birth.

When I got back I was knackered. I was feeling twinges in my tummy, but that could've been a number of things - wind, constipation, squished bowels.

Paul would've been back from work any minute, so I set Lily up with a couple of toys, and had a nap on the sofa for an hour. I woke up to feel more twinges, a bit more painful. We had dinner, and went to bed.

It was 3am. I couldn't get to sleep. Paul was snoring. I was having regular pains. Everytime I had a pain I looked at my phone. They were every 10 minutes. Suspicious.

I tried waking Paul up, I told him that I thought I was in labour. He replied with, "Well tell me when you need to go in." Charming.

They started coming every 8 minutes and were picking up in pain. I elbowed Paul in the ribs and told him we had to phone the hospital and go in.

I hobbled into the car, and we made the half an hour journey to the John Radcliffe Hospital.

My heart sank as I walked up the corridor I had walked up before. My blood ran cold as we walked past my previous room.

Things were starting to really hurt, but the contractions were getting further apart, and I was only 2 and a half cms dilated, so not officially in established labour. I took an instant dislike to the midwife that was on duty at the time. She seemed very cold.

Thankfully a new midwife came on duty, followed by a student midwife and a med student.

Paul fell asleep in a chair.

The student midwife was a quiet, but smiley lady. She went through my birth plan with me, and understood all my reasons why I wanted it to be completely natural. She gave me a  heated wheat bag to put on my back, as that was where most of my pain was. It smelt awful like Sugarpuffs, and I can't stand Sugarpuffs. I was also given a warm bowl of water to put my feet in as I rocked back and fourth in my rocking chair.
She asked me if I would like to try some aromatherapy to help me through labour. Why not?! I thought.

I was given dots of frankincense to put on my wrists. This is was supposed to be calming and to help me focus. It smelt amazing, and helped the anxious nausea I was experiencing.

5am - The contractions were really coming thick and fast. I breathed, and breathed, and breathed some more. Holy cow they were horrible. Some random midwife came in and asked me if I would like some drugs. NO! I said. She put the gas and air pipe on the bed "Just in case."

Paul woke up. Probably not by choice. I was moaning like a trooper.

8:15am - Contractions were back to back, lasting 20 seconds each. I knew I was on the final stretch. The pain was becoming unbearable! I already knew I had done so well to get this far without pain relief, but I was close to reaching for that gas and air.

I was on the bed squatting up and down over the head of the bed roaring in pain, begging to be checked as I knew I nearing the time I had never experienced before.

I turned onto my back, and I had to push. All of a sudden everything went quiet. I felt a surge of adrenaline rocket through my veins and I knew exactly what I had to do. The contractions became painless, and I went into a trance, a phenomenon that my midwife had only seen twice before.

I felt pressure, like a bowling ball being stuck somewhere it should never be stuck! I pushed for the first time. The pressure intensified. I pushed for the second time and I felt a burning sensation. The head was born! The med student giggled as the baby's head was wriggling around.

One last push, and tada! The baby was born. It was placed on my chest where I could rub it with towels, and I took a look at the face. It opened it's eyes and it looked at me. I was suddenly engulfed with love and joy.

It was a girl!

I had requested that the umbilical cord was to be left to stop pulsating before cutting, as it let the blood in it return into the baby - the natural way. When it was time to cut it, Paul refused. So I did it!

I also delivered the placenta in a drug free way.

Leah was extremely healthy, she had apgar scores of 10/10/10 - PERFECTION. She started breast feeding within an hour, and very much enjoyed her food.

Thankfully being so small only left me with a tiny graze down below, so the repairs that had to be done with Lily had gone untouched. Phew!

After an hour of cuddles, I got up, had a shower, and we were ready to settle down into a ward.

I did it naturally, I did it my way, and I've never been so proud of myself.

.. Motherhood: Part 3 - coming soon.

Motherhood: Part 1 - Lily Rose Venvell

I was a fresh faced 18 year old, settled into a long-term relationship. I was told that there was a fairly high chance I wouldn't be able to conceive a child, and boom - I was diagnosed with Endometriosis.

Having children never crossed my mind at that age. I had always assumed that I'd pursue a career, do what I wanted to do with my life before I was tied down, and then settle into a life of clichéd suburbia.
My reaction to the thought of never having children was a surprising one. I was panic stricken.
My biological clock was ticking down quicker than the Countdown variety. It was now or never. Project "make a baby" had started.

Having what I'd say was a pretty profound knowledge of human reproduction, and a short temporary position in a sexual health clinic, I knew all the tricks in the book to get knocked up fast! Usually involving copious amounts of alcohol and a traffic cone.

12 months/cycles later, and a handful of "chemical pregnancies" - all the tricks in the book had been exhausted beyond recognition, and I had given up. Might as well do one more cycle for the road.

I'm going to bypass most of the pregnancy.. I was in and out of hospital, had developed severe symphysis pubis dysfunction, and had gained 10 stone.

The midwives let me get to 15 days overdue before inducing me, something they shouldn't have done. I had experienced a deflated feeling in my bump, but everybody had insisted that my waters were still intact and that I should stop worrying.

Labour during induction is ghastly when hooked up to a Oxytocin drip, the human body just isn't designed to cope with synthetic hormones driving the contractions. They hurt. ALOT. I experienced back to back contractions for about 3 hours, with no more than a 30 second break inbetween. Zero dilation.

Midwives thought manually breaking my waters would help my cervix dilate. A female consultant had the pleasure of carrying this out. After proclaiming that she'd rather do it with her fingers, I began screaming like I was being murdered. The midwives had to hold me down as I was being torn from the inside by the biggest bitch from hell with a MD. She couldn't do it. Why? Because there was no water membranes to break.

I then started showing signs of infection. The baby was showing signs of distress. The baby then did it's first bowel movement inside of me, an indication that it was under stress.
This next part happened in slow motion. I was uncontrollable, I was rolling about in agony! I just wanted to die. I hadn't slept in 48 hours. The baby was stuck.

The bitch with the MD came back in with some MASSIVE looking rotating forceps, this time accompanied by a jolly looking, more qualified consultant. Legs akimbo, the bitch tried easing the forceps into my lady area. I let out a YELP. The jolly consultant then said in front of everyone, "Oh you're a small one aren't you! You're going to need an epidural."

In waltzed a lovely anaesthetist who looked like Adrian Edmondson and gave me an epidural. That didn't work, so he tried again. I can tell you - having to keep 100% still while contracting like a bastard is certainly NOT easy. One slight twitch and I'm paralysed.
 That worked, but only numbed one side of me. Surprisingly, I was still in considerable pain.
 Then all the alarms went off and I was rushed into the operating theatre. The epidural was pulled out of my back and it was replaced with a full spinal. I hadn't a clue what was happening to me.

My legs were put into stirrups, and the numbness from the added spinal was creeping up too far up my body, almost reaching my chin. I couldn't even feel my chest to breathe.
 The bitch with the MD gave me an episiotomy and stuck the forceps in. The room filled with about 20 people running about. I was drifting in and out of consciousness and had uncontrollable shakes, still not knowing if I was breathing on my own.

Everything went black and white.

Then suddenly a limp blue baby covered in black meconium was plonked on to my lap. It's mouth wide open, it's eyes glaring straight at me. This baby wasn't alive.
I then heard somebody shout, "NEONATAL CRASH TROLLY! MOTHER CRASH TROLLY!"

Everything went dark.

I woke to the sound of somebody talking to me. They said that the baby was a girl, and they had successfully resuscitated her. She was very ill and had been taken to the Special Baby Care Unit.

I was then taken to the recovery ward. Still not being able to move from the neck down, I was pissed off that I couldn't even reach to get a glass of water, and kept sliding sideways almost off the bed. A lovely nurse popped in through the curtains and helped me get myself upright and filled me in on what damage was done to my lady bits. A third degree tear, 3C to be precise. I was offered many painkillers for when my numbness left me, but I declined, much to their annoyance. I had already ODd on pain relief thankyou.

8 hours later, I was told to come down the the SCBU. I was still a bit numb, but lied. I had my catheter taken out and was wheeled down. I regretted declining the pain killers, but I was far too stubborn and far too ashamed as a mother to ask for them anyway.

When I arrived. I was told that it was touch and go. The place felt so warm, yet so cold at the same time. I was wheeled into the room, and I knew which one was Lily. I had the image of that lifeless baby staring back at me imprinted into my brain, and I still do to this day. She was hooked up to so many machines, all of them making a horrible beeping sound. Her legs and hands so black and bruised from the needles and cannula. I asked if she was going to die. A cold looking woman looked back at me with a blank face and said, "It's 50/50."

I looked into the little plastic box encasing my offspring. Did I feel love? No. I felt complete and utter fear. I didn't want to love her in case she was snatched from me.

I didn't even want to touch her. I couldn't do it. I talked to her so she knew I was there. I didn't want her feeling like she was alone. After a while, I got the hang of knowing what was a bad "beep" and what was a "normal" beep. Certainly helps not shit one's self that's for sure.
Lily had severe perinatal asphyxia from the birth which left her brain damaged. She also had liver trauma from the birth. Added to the list was renal failure, neonatal thrombocytopenia and infection.

.... more to come. I'm knackered,

Food!

I am known for many things. Oi, come on.. One of those things is my rambunctious ragù.

It makes a regular Spaghetti Bolognese into something that little bit more - PIOW! 

It also makes a regular Lasagne into a rich and exuberant Lasagne, and that little bit more special.

This recipe is adapted to suit the needs of my other half Paul, who doesn't like "bits" i.e lumps of onion, celery, tomato, carrot. Pretty much any vegetable. As a result, this recipe has very little prep time.

Don't be put off by this, the flavour still packs a punch.

Ingredients - low fat version.

Feeds 4 (or 2 hungry bums)

500g Extra Lean steak mince.

2 tbsp Olive oil.

500g Tomato Passata.

1 heaped tbsp Tomato Purée.

5 fat Garlic cloves - crushed.

2 Beef stock cubes.

100ml White Wine.

3 tbsp Worcestershire Sauce.

1 tsp Garlic powder.

1 tsp Onion granules.

1 tbsp Smoked Paprika.

1 tsp dried Oregano (or 1 tbsp fresh).

1 Bay Leaf. 

Salt & Black pepper.

That's a well used frying pan. Heat on full whack, add the mince when the oil reaches smoking point.

The amount of liquid that comes out of the mince will depend on the type of mince you use. Keep breaking the mince up. Then add the smoked paprika, onion granules, garlic powder, and half the garlic. Season!

Keep frying! When the liquid has almost gone and the mince has some good colour, add a stock cube and fry for 2 more minutes.

The reason behind the heat at full whack is to achieve the most colour on the mince and this crust at the bottom of the pan! (If it's going black, then you're not stirring enough)

When all the liquid has evaporated, and the mince has a good colour - before the bottom of the pan burns, in goes the wine and Worcestershire sauce to de-glaze the bottom of that pan. Scrape!

 In goes the passata, tomato purée, the rest of the garlic, stock cube, the bay leaf and oregano. Black pepper that beast! The salt content in the stock cubes should mean you don't have to add any salt. Keep tasting along the way.

Simmer for at least 30 minutes, stirring intermittently. Then reduce to desired thickness.

Serve with Spaghetti, Linguine or Tagliatelle and drown it in cheese.

Stuff your face.

(Lasagne coming soon)

 

Do they exist?

Solo writers of good UK sitcoms?
It depends on one's opinion of a good sitcom for a start.

Let's have a look at some of my person favourites.

Red Dwarf - By Rob Grant & Doug Naylor.
The Young Ones- By Rik Mayall, Lise Mayer & Ben Elton.
Bottom - By Rik Mayall & Adrian Edmondson.
Blackadder - By Richard Curtis & Rowan Atkinson/Ben Elton
The League of Gentlemen - By Jeremy Dyson, Mark Gatiss, Steve Pemberton & Reece Shearsmith.
Father Ted - By Graham Linehan & Arthur Mathews.
The Royle Family - By Caroline Aherne, Craig Cash & Others.
The Office - By Ricky Gervais & Stephen Merchant.
I'm Alan Partridge - By Peter Baynham, Steve Coogan & Armando Iannucci.


Absolutely Fabulous - Written by Jennifer Saunders.
Men Behaving Badly - Written by Simon Nye.

Is it easier to write with somebody else? I'm struggling on my own *sad face*.

iPhones/Apple

So I refuse to buy Apple products. Why? Never felt like it :)

 

Just ask this guy ^