Jobs

I'm far from a lazy fart, but I have come to the conclusion that jobs don't like me. Especially ones that involve the general public.

Jobs from working experience onwards

Care Home Assistant

I think you have to be made of special stuff to become a good care home assistant, and I have the utmost respect for them. I am not made of that aforementioned special stuff, and I don't do vomit.

Website Designer

I very much enjoyed the 8 weeks I spent working as a website designer. It was very unfortunate that I was asked to work overtime and got felt up by the boss against my will.

Petrol Station Assistant

Only lasted about 6 hours. An old drunk man shouted at me, and I cried. Never going to let that happen again.

Sexual Health Clinic Assistant

Best-job-ever! I enjoyed every single second working in that cramped, smelly, and diseased building. There was something so intensely satisfying about lecturing informing uneducated adults. I learnt one thing while working in the clinic: don't initiate eye contact while swabbing jap's eyes.

Waitress

On my first night I had a complaint from a customer about her food. The cheese in her ploughman's lunch was mouldy. I wasn't sure how to deal with the situation, so I asked the man in charge, and he told me to fob her off and say that the cheese was meant to be that way. I apologised to the woman, got her a replacement, walked out, and never went back.

Ghostwriter

Got paid to write about food, and somebody else got the credit for it. Easy money.

Comedy Writer

I wrote some top notch stuff, and somebody else got the credit for it. Wait.. what? (Feel free to ask me about this)